H&M

Excited wasn't the word. Seen probably is though.

"Only whining if I'm dining. Bitches love to whine and cry. Oh, you hurt and miserable." - Latto, H&M

I remember the first time I heard these lyrics, and how I was listening to the album before-- but now she had my ear.

I damn near jumped out of my seat.

She was speaking to the voice in my head that knew Bully was my name, and scratching a very particular itch I have. The very action oriented, "I could never", and "So, what are we doing about that?". I sat in my car thinking of every person who made it their business to hurt me. Folk really be hurt AND miserable. I'm sympathetic to hurt, but misery is the ghetto. Hurt happens, but misery requires seeping and stewing and spreading. The miserable hurt everyone around them. I find it disgusting.

I think a lot about power: Who has it, and who wants it? What does it look like, and what do you do with it? The conversations in my head go, "If you want the things you say you want, then where is the evidence?".

In 2018 I came to understand that the version of myself that I fantasized about (artsy, joyful, actionable) was completely within my reach. Why am I fantasizing instead of doing? Do I really plan on dying with "I could have been...". I realized that my inaction towards becoming her was inexcusable. I prayed regret would never find me, and I studied myself so that I could understand what was next.

Seven years later, my understanding is complete. Art is the answer.